We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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