I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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