wrigley field is MILF paradise
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts