My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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