They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
