Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
