a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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