Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I didn't notice because vodka
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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