im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
