do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
