I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
