I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
