I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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