i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
