How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
