I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
