Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
