i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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