I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
