hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You know, be my cock's hype man.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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