The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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