Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
