Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
