My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
