so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
