it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
