i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
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Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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