Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
