4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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