i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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