Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
