Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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