I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
