i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
