Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
