I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
