I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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