well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
