i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
