that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
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Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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