At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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