Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
