Are we in a gay sports bar?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
