u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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