I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just gargled with NyQuil
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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