so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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