it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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