We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
