filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
