He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
