just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
