She is in my trunk
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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