They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
