Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
