i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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