i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
