You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
