Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize