Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.