I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
In America we eat man semen.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned