A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
