I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
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Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be