at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
